Satanism Saved My Sanity


Yes, the title may sound a bit quirky and cliché, but it is a fact. I honestly question where I would be in my mental health recovery if it was not for the fact Satanism is my way of life. It has been nearly eight months since I had a chance to put my thoughts down on “paper”, and in those eight months there have been a lot of changes, both good and bad, that Satanism has played a part in.

I joined the Ohio Friends of The Satanic Temple Facebook group in June of 2019, not long after finishing my outpatient therapy from my hospitalization back in April of 2019. I was in a good place at that point and had ambition to do something with myself and start being a part of society again. Joining OFTST as a social group was probably the best thing I ever did for myself personally. Without Chris for support and OFTST I do not think I would be as close to baseline as I am today by any means.

The past eight months have not been easy, do not get me wrong, there have been some struggles. But now I not only have the support at home, I have the support of others, many of which who face the same battles against mental illness that I do every day. Many of whom take the same meds, have the same side effects, have been hospitalized, hate taking meds, so on and so forth. Chris is amazing support, but there are times that it takes the support of someone who has been there to take the edge off the frustration.

I had a break in November and was hospitalized for a week, but after coming out my own Psychiatric NP made a big med change for me and I have not felt this good in years. My depression was getting the better of me and it seemed there was nothing that was helping. I started weekly therapy again and the combination of the two has made a significant difference. Then the door got slammed in my face, not once, but twice…

Chris and I decided to go see Fire from the Gods, Three Days Grace, and Five Finger Death Punch and one other band that was apparently not very memorable. The show was great, and it was a bit of a drive but there was no traffic, so it was not that big of a deal. On the way home I got a text from a friend on the way home that a girl I had been hospitalized with a couple times had took her own life. I forgot to mention this was the day before Thanksgiving… I was not very close to her but knew her enough that it hit home.

The second door was slammed in my face and stayed that way for nearly two months before the whole wall fell on me and fell very hard.

I only found out my friend had passed away because I occasionally check the county coroner’s list. Unfortunately, this is the only way I have found out a few people I know have passed away. I saw Tasha had passed away on December 10 and because of her past and what I knew of her I assumed she had overdosed on her prescription drugs or illegal drugs. I met Tasha in Outpatient Therapy after I had quit opioids. She was in Outpatient Therapy for depression and anger management. We started talking and became closer and ended up being pretty good friends. Then she quit outpatient therapy.

We were still friends for a while, still talked a lot, she tried to overdose on her prescription meds, and I called 911 on her. She got mad at me for that but got over it and we were friends again. Then she started using heroin and crack and I just could not be around that. She still wanted to be friends and I told her when she could prove she was clean, then I would reconsider it, but until then I had to cut her out of my life. Therefore, I simply assumed that her death on December 10, 2019 was due to drugs of some type. I had not heard from her, and I know how hard she was into the crack the last time I saw her, so I just put two and two together. That along with the fact the coroner’s findings were taking weeks to be posted, it usually takes that long for toxicology to come back.

Finally, February 10, 2020, I looked up her name on the coroner’s list and there it was…blunt force trauma…she apparently jumped out her third floor apartment window… not one prescription drug in a non-therapeutic amount, not one illegal drug was found in her system. She got clean. She was in that dark of a place that she felt that jumping out a window to what may or may have not been instantaneous death was the way out. I cannot feel guilt as it is not healthy, but I can feel sad that someone was in that bad a place they thought that was a better alternative to life.

I was and still am struggling with this, and without the support of Chris and my OFTST fam, I know I would be severely beating myself up and blaming myself hardcore for what she did… Now to happier things.

We recently had our first Lupercalia ritual and I think the maiden voyage went damn well. Although it was a bit chilly, everyone engaged and learned about what Lupercalia was and joined in the ritual down to the Savillum (ancient Roman cheesecake) passed around at the end. While it was in February, I think it marked the start of a busy year for OFTST and many things for us to plan and do over the course of the year.

I am excited to be leading the Northern Ohio Group and have a lot of ideas and plans for this year of what I want to accomplish. As far as doing my educational stuff, I want to keep doing presentations for OFTST as well as starting up a YouTube channel for anyone to reference who wants to know more about the Tenets, rituals, or just TST and Satanism in general. Even with all the tragedy and personal struggles, I still feel empowered. I feel empowered as a woman, shit I just feel empowered period.

Now you can all see why I say that Satanism saved my sanity as it truly has, and I plan on keeping it that way!

Ave Satanas! Hail Yourselves! Hail Satan!

11 Weeks Later

Some of you may have noticed my last blog was a bit out there, and then I disappeared for quite a while. Well, this is going to chronicle my last 11 weeks and how it has helped me turn back into a functioning human being, well for the most part. Mental illness is very time consuming, especially when things are not going quite right. This is why I collect disability as I would never be able to hold a job if I asked to take 11 weeks off for hospitalization and intensive group therapy, it just is not a reality. I feel sorry for those that do have jobs and have to deal with this, as I am sure that their employers may not be very accommodating to their needs. So, here is what I experienced over the past 11 weeks. Spoiler alert – the inpatient part is the best.

The day after I posted my last blog, the mixed mania got the best of me and Chris and I decided I needed to go for an assessment at the mental health facility I was last admitted to. After my assessment, they admitted me to the high functioning mental health unit. I got there late to start with so by the time I got to the unit, it was almost 3 am but the fun was not over. As soon as you enter a unit, you get what is called a “skin check,” which is a strip search where they document all your scars, tattoos and injuries while making sure you are not hiding any contraband in the process. As I had been through it before it really did not bother me, just the fact it takes too long because I have so many tattoos makes it a pain in the ass. After that and a million more of the same questions, I get to my assigned room and try not to wake my roommate up and try to get a few hours of sleep as wakeup is every day at 730am when they announce it is time for yoga.

I like yoga, do not get me wrong, but at 730am I like nothing and no one, especially with a Doxepin hangover. I usually went back to sleep until they announced breakfast at 815am, which I wanted no part of either but used the opportunity to take a shower while everyone else was down in the dining hall. The first smoke break was at 915am so it usually timed out pretty well that I was out of the shower, dressed and had a cup of coffee ready to go when they yelled for a smoke break. Yes, the place I was at allows five 15-minute smoke breaks a day for patients. Guess they figure you are stressed out enough and taking your cigarettes away is not going to help that.

The rest of the day is standard, group therapy, group recreation therapy, group music therapy, group art therapy, lunch, dinner, exercise, visiting hour, smoke breaks, and some personal time scattered throughout the day. You are strongly encouraged to participate in all the groups, which I did attempt to do, but being there 15 days they started to repeat so I found other things to do. For some groups, meals, and exercise you got to leave the unit so I tried my best to participate in all of those. Damn, I almost forgot the most important times of the day, MEDICATION TIME! The nurses were cool and hunted you down with your meds if they needed to. They always made sure you had everything you were supposed to have, especially at bedtime.

My first roomie, Vladia, was cool. She was funny as hell too. She must have been on some hellacious sleep meds because she did all kinds of fucked up shit in her sleep. She would roll out of the bed, undress and use her pants as a pillow, be sleeping upside down, all kinds of weirdness. She was a good roommate though, we would chat at night before we went to sleep like two teenagers at a sleepover. She was there before me so of course, I only had her as a roomie for a few days, and then I was moved anyway because the room had a bit of an ant problem they were trying to resolve. I did not mind being moved, the room was hot as hell and I was being moved to the coldest room in the place.

My new roomie was cool, but a little meticulous. Why did they have to stick me in a room with someone with OCD who is a germophobe? And of course, my legs were swollen because I cannot keep them up all the time when in inpatient and my heel splits and bleeds on the floor. She literally flipped the fuck out as if I had Ebola, AIDS, the bubonic plague, and every other horrible disease you can possibly think of. Mind you, she stepped on the tiny spot with shoes and socks on. So of course, out of the kindness of my heart, I offer up a vein for a blood test to ease her mind. That was a mistake. They stuck me six times trying to get a vein. I do a better job myself, how do I know, because I have stuck myself and I can get a vein on the first try. Everything ended up okay, but they really made a bigger deal out of it than they should have.

My stay was not without incident of course. My last few hospitalizations have had some type of fight or violence started by me or I was a part of. This time I did not start it but was definitely an instigating part of it. It all started over the one phone we had use of for 24 patients. We tried to make a list and keep it fair, but some people refused to follow the list, so of course, it caused arguments. A fellow patient Melissa, lost her temper with the person on the phone as she was standing next to me, he threatened to beat her ass, I am bigger and of course, wanted to protect her and all hell broke loose. CODE VIOLET, CODE VIOLET, CODE VIOLET!!! That is the hospital code for a fight on the unit. Melissa was physically dragged to the other side of the unit by two patient care assistants, two more got in my face and made me go right with her and two more took the person on the phone to the other side. They separated us all the rest of the evening. The best part was, this all happened during the visiting hour. It was a busy visiting hour too.

It is not often there are out of control patients on the unit either but there were a few while I was there because the unit they should have been on was full. For those that truly cannot control their behavior, I feel sorry for, but for those being assholes on purpose, they can just fuck off in the other direction. We had an older woman that spent one whole night screaming at the top of her lungs how she is suing everyone and how everyone there was crazy but her, etc. etc. I think they shipped her out after the 72-hour hold just to get rid of her and her bullshit. Apparently, she said something to get herself put in there so she had no one to blame but herself at that point.

My last roommate came in as a transfer from another facility with what looked like a broken nose and a black eye from there. I really felt sorry for her because the woman screaming just freaked her out even more. She definitely did not need that after being at the place she was at. She was okay after a while and we got along good, no blood testing required.

After 15 days of medication changes and additions, the doctor felt it was safe to send me home only if I started their PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) the next day, which I did. PHP is six hours a day, five days a week of group therapy with an hour for lunch. It is a lot like being inpatient but you get to go home and sleep. They also keep a close eye on everyone in case they think you need to go back to inpatient. It is a lot like inpatient with DBT and CBT sessions and art therapy once a week. We also watched the movie Inside Out. If you have never seen it, it is good for a kid’s movie. After three weeks of PHP, you go to five weeks of IOP.

IOP is Intensive Outpatient Therapy, which is three hours a day, four days a week. IOP is a lot different because of the counselors. Ours was a trained EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapist and introduced us to a variety of different techniques to manage stress and anxiety. As soon as I get my psychiatrist and therapist situation figured out, I am going to look into this type of therapy more and see if I can benefit from it better than just the DBT and CBT.

So, where am I after 11 weeks of all that? I feel really good! I went out for the first time by myself with a group of Facebook friends I had never met in real life before and had a great time, I am inspired to write again, I am ready to dive into any and all Satany projects I can, I just want to do things. It is a fucking shame it took 11 weeks but mental illness is no joke my friends. It will steal large amounts of your life, fuck it up, and not give it back. If you struggle with mental illness, do something at the first sign of trouble, do not wait as I did, maybe you will not lose 11 weeks of your spring and summer as I did.


For those of you unfamiliar with DILLIGAF, it means “do I look like I give a fuck”. For me, this is how I feel about many things, especially when it comes from misinformed vermin that simply want to be difficult. I try to be somewhat smarter than the average person, but it seems more and more people just simply want to embrace being ignorant, or stupid, whichever fits the situation. I know this is not going to be a well-liked piece, but to refer to my title, DILLIGAF?

Being a Satanist, I think the DILLIGAF attitude comes from the pure ignorance and hate from outsiders. Part of being a Satanist is embracing being a loner and simply being a rebel. That all lends itself to not giving a fuck right there. There is so much out there about Satanism, yet people still hang on to the Hollywood stereotypes thinking we are all descendants of Richard Ramirez because he drew a pentagram on his hand. They think we spend our weekends carrying out some LaVeyesque sideshow where naked women run free and the neighbor’s kid is roasting slowly on a bed of carrots and leeks in the oven. I am honestly embarrassed by many of the ritual images people Google and end up believing that is what Satanism is.

I am just going to put this out there and everyone can take it for what it is worth. I am NOT a fan of the Church of Satan or Anton LaVey and am slowly losing any admiration I have for The Satanic Temple. The Church of Satan is old school, Anton LaVey is old school, and this is 2019, get your head out of your ass and stop swinging from his nuts and following The Satanic Bible like Christians follow the Holy Bible. The old days of shock and awe are over with. Stop being elitist twats and come down from your ivory towers and embrace what Satanism really is. Satanism is maintaining individuality while still being a contributing member to society and your community. (Sips Coke loaded with Grenadine even though I am diabetic, well you know what I say…)

The Satanic Temple has developed a modern, cohesive list of tenets that are easy to embrace by any Satanist. However, that is where my love affair with them ends. While I agree to the separation of church and state, programs like After School Satan are not beating them, they are joining the religious sect that has these religious afterschool clubs. It turns into they did it and they did it, so it is okay. How about petitioning the school boards instead to remove these programs because they clearly violate the constitution as to religion in schools. Many spectacles that TST perform in the name of change can be done much less like a sideshow and more like grown adults trying to create change. I for one am happy to see that Jex Blakemore left the organization and is fighting the good fight against unconstitutional abortion laws. Maybe Lucien Graves should look at what she is doing and stop staging B-movie-like protests that do nothing but make Satanists look like fools.

While I am just putting it all out there, I might as well touch on the bitches, the “real Satanists” as they call themselves. I am frankly tired of hearing, “You are not a ‘real’ Satanist because you do not do this or that”. Being a Satanist is being an individual, which means I do what the fuck I want. If I want to open a soup kitchen for the homeless or have a feminine hygiene drive for the local women’s shelter or simply donate money to another Satanist in need, that is what I am going to fucking do. I care about my community and the people in it. That by no means is indicative of me being a sheep, it is just being a caring human being with some empathy and common sense. I have been the recipient of help from the Satanic community and now that I can, it is time to pay it forward when I can. Again, I do what I want and well, you know.

With all this being said, I still give a shit about people. Just because I do not like your brand of Satanism, whether it be atheistic or theistic, LaVeyan or TST, I am still going to treat you like a human being. I love the fact that the United Aspects of Satan does not experience all this grief and strife. Members of UAoS are some of the most laid back, down to earth people who have great ideas and work as a community. I do not know if it is the vetting done by Damien Ba’al or just the nature of the organization, but it has a much different feel than CoS or TST, which I want nothing to do with. I even get along with Christians if they are not crazy, fundie, Westboro Baptist type Christians. I have a foodie group on Facebook called C.A.S.T in the Kitchen that is a mix of all religions and non-religions and it is great. I do not take issue with any person until they take issue with me and once you do you can as DILLIGAF, and the answer will be fuck no! Oh and for those that do not like Ghost, you can kiss my fat ass, too! 😊

The Baphomet Principle: Self-motivation balanced with compassion and reason, in all things. ~ UAoS, Damien Ba’al

satanist in pink

The Satanist in Pink

Although pink is not one of my favorite colors, I felt it be the best way to describe being a Satanic woman. To outsiders, saying one is a Satanist more than likely conjures up visions of witches dancing around a cauldron on brooms, cackling and spreading curses over the townsfolk. These are just more items in the long list of misconceptions and Hollywood propaganda that has been attached to Satanism. While Satanists do not set out to be accepted by outsiders, it is nice to be able to have pride in who you are without people coming at you with torches and pitchforks.

Anton LaVey organized Satanism and rolled it out to the public with his own unique style. LaVey had some great ideas but should have stopped with The Satanic Bible. Many Satanists, much to the dismay of devout LaVeyans, do not pay much attention to the “magic” portion of TSB. He could have called it anything but choosing to call it magic makes the skeptic Satanist pass it by. He could have left it at rituals and ceremonies and maybe the skeptics would be more interested. It all boils down to things that your typical Satanist would refer to as rituals also or to the rest of us, simply meditation. Meditation is a wonderful way to re-center oneself, especially if anxiety or stress is high.

Back in LaVey’s heyday, he did a fairly good job of hiding his misogyny. He didn’t, however, hide the fact he viewed women as objects. All one must do is look at the pics of naked women displayed on his altars and see that women were used as objects. With LaVey’s history as a circus performer, you can almost see him dressed in a tuxedo barking the highlights of the “Altar Lady”. It is not at all flattering to women if you ask me. You never saw any naked men up there now, did you? Now that would show some equality, or just do not put any naked people on an altar and just focus on the substance of Satanism instead of the pomp and circumstance.

LaVey completely went off the edge when he wrote “The Satanic Witch.” It should be a manual for misogynists. His quotes are so offensive that nearly every woman Satanist I have encountered agrees that it is absolute garbage. Women struggle for equality in Satanism and here comes Anton with his flaming arrow to shoot that all down. Now I am not saying that all LaVeyan’s have embraced the ideas of “The Satanic Witch”, but if they follow LaVey like they are a Christian and he is a god, they believe women should be in the kitchen baking cookies and not asserting themselves in the Satanic community.

I have so much appreciation for those in the Satanic community whose organizations have women in positions of power, for lack of a better word. These organizations give women the opportunity to invoke their own unique ideas and experiences for any number of things. Satanic women are unique in that there is still not a lot of us comparatively. I am not sure if it is harder for women to openly admit to being a Satanist, which is understandable as the Abrahamic religions look down on women as well. If they are raised in a religious household, I could understand how hard it would be to not only voice their opinion but voice the fact that they are Satanists.

I think I am in the minority as I am openly, and very boldly, a Satanist. I hid it for most of my life, as of course there is a stigma attached that some just do not want to have to educate people about. Once I finally decided to openly admit I was a Satanist there is no stopping me. This is how the Satanist in Pink was born. There are not a lot of resources for women when it comes to Satanism, and I want to change that. I want to be able to provide the information and knowledge to help Satanic women be openly Satanic women without fear of ridicule or worse yet, deal with the misogyny that has existed since the first organization of Satanism by LaVey in the late 1960s. I want all women to be proud Satanists like I am and have the Satanic pride and nothing to hide.

satanist in pink

From Edgelords to Emos…

As far as Satanism goes, you can find a variety of groups on Facebook ranging from the edgelords and emos to legitimate groups that share ideas, philosophies and the take on the latest goings-on in the world. Satanism is not about gory pictures, tasteless pornography or images of trampish nuns holding a Holy Bible covered in ejaculate. For those of us that try so hard to distance themselves from this childish shit, it makes seeing these types of posts even more frustrating. While I am not a fan of the ideals of theistic Satanism, I would rather see someone going on about praying to father Satan than some overly Googled image of a burning church with a couple of Hot Topic shoppers standing in awe like cavemen when they first discovered they could burn things. I know to some I may seem like I am trying to act like I am better than these emos and edgelords and the truth is, I am a better representation of a Satanist.

What is a better representation of a Satanist? A better representation is a Satanist that stands true to be an individual and not follow the image Hollywood propaganda has put forth. The problem with being a Satanist is that just mentioning the word gives the average person a vision of a group of people dressed in black robes dancing around a fire roasting one of the neighborhood children. While it does not matter if people accept Satanism, it is much more conducive to start a truthful friendship or relationship with someone without them thinking you are going to sacrifice the family dog. They do not have to like what I am, but I want them to know what I am not, and that is a sex-crazed, perverted, psycho/sociopath. I have been lucky thus far in that those surrounding me have accepted what I am and treat me as they would any other person, even if they do not agree with what I believe.

I believe Satanists are unique in that they have found a way to maintain their individualism while still being able to socialize with other Satanists and share common denominators. The current state of elitism hanging over both the Church of Satan and The Satanic Temple is frustrating. While I understand that CoS is not about activism or political matters and The Satanic Temple is all about them, there is still the common denominator that they are all atheistic Satanists. I myself am not all about the “in your face” activism, but I do believe that in order to make a difference and embrace the Baphomet Principle (self-motivation balanced with compassion and reason, in all things), one must try to contribute to the betterment of society even if it is from behind the scenes or an anonymous gesture. We should also look to help our Satanic community members when we can, physically, mentally or emotionally. Helping the outside community should also be admirable if it is not done for the prestige it may hold.

Like many Satanists, my first taste of Satanism came from The Satanic Bible. However, I was never about the magic and ceremony that LaVey promoted being the showman that he was. To me, it smacks too much of being like a Christian church that everyone dresses up and repeats the same words just to make a spectacle of it all. Being a full-blown skeptic, the idea of magic also never appealed to me much. While LaVey defines magic as “the change in situations or events in accordance with one’s will, which would using normally accepted methods, be unchangeable,” I do not see any situation changing with the addition of “magic” to one’s own will. The strength of one’s will is what changes situations and events, not some magic conjured up in someone’s head. The idea of magic also makes it seem like Satanists have some supernatural powers, like witches supposedly do, which I want nothing to do with. My skepticism runs deep. Show me a picture or it did not happen or does not exist.

Being a “Ba’alean” Satanist is what fits me perfectly. I do not want magic, I do not want to dress up in capes and have some magic ceremony, I do not want to treat other Satanists like I am “real Satanist”, cringe, and they are not. You can be an individual yet respect the path of Satanism of others even when it is different from yours. You can agree to disagree, but far too many times, this does not happen. CoS will revoke your membership if they find out you are a TST member, what kind of shit is that? Many Satanists I know personally have embraced ideas and ideals from both camps. I do not see any issue drawing from both and even representing a third. Damien Ba’al and the United Aspects of Satan is a beautiful example of being able to blend different ideas and ideals and produce a cohesive flavor of Satanism that fits people who are accepting of others, not out to play the “real Satanist” game. The Baphomet Principle, mentioned earlier, is simple yet all-encompassing and provides a Ba’alean Satanist with a platform to evolve from.

This has all been building up with me and finally overflowed after joining a Facebook group that seems to feature 99 percent emos and edgelords without an intelligent conversation to be had. I understand people can do what they want with their groups, but it frustrates me that people in the group are in other legitimate groups that I own or admin. It makes me wonder if these are “two-faced” Satanists that put up a front as to not get kicked out of a group but really fall into the emo and edgelord category. You see them posting semen-coated nuns in one group and then liking intelligent posts in another group. I guess I am just more involved in my Satanism than to go promote the image that fits every Hollywood stereotype of a Satanist one can think of. I may also sound petty, but I know how hard I work to portray what I think a Satanist should be only to have some mindless fool go posting pics of burning crosses, churches, and Bibles. Maybe I just take my path of Satanism too seriously, or do I?

satanist in pink