Yes, the title may sound a bit quirky and cliché, but it is a fact. I honestly question where I would be in my mental health recovery if it was not for the fact Satanism is my way of life. It has been nearly eight months since I had a chance to put my thoughts down on “paper”, and in those eight months there have been a lot of changes, both good and bad, that Satanism has played a part in.
I joined the Ohio Friends of The Satanic Temple Facebook group in June of 2019, not long after finishing my outpatient therapy from my hospitalization back in April of 2019. I was in a good place at that point and had ambition to do something with myself and start being a part of society again. Joining OFTST as a social group was probably the best thing I ever did for myself personally. Without Chris for support and OFTST I do not think I would be as close to baseline as I am today by any means.
The past eight months have not been easy, do not get me wrong, there have been some struggles. But now I not only have the support at home, I have the support of others, many of which who face the same battles against mental illness that I do every day. Many of whom take the same meds, have the same side effects, have been hospitalized, hate taking meds, so on and so forth. Chris is amazing support, but there are times that it takes the support of someone who has been there to take the edge off the frustration.
I had a break in November and was hospitalized for a week, but after coming out my own Psychiatric NP made a big med change for me and I have not felt this good in years. My depression was getting the better of me and it seemed there was nothing that was helping. I started weekly therapy again and the combination of the two has made a significant difference. Then the door got slammed in my face, not once, but twice…
Chris and I decided to go see Fire from the Gods, Three Days Grace, and Five Finger Death Punch and one other band that was apparently not very memorable. The show was great, and it was a bit of a drive but there was no traffic, so it was not that big of a deal. On the way home I got a text from a friend on the way home that a girl I had been hospitalized with a couple times had took her own life. I forgot to mention this was the day before Thanksgiving… I was not very close to her but knew her enough that it hit home.
The second door was slammed in my face and stayed that way for nearly two months before the whole wall fell on me and fell very hard.
I only found out my friend had passed away because I occasionally check the county coroner’s list. Unfortunately, this is the only way I have found out a few people I know have passed away. I saw Tasha had passed away on December 10 and because of her past and what I knew of her I assumed she had overdosed on her prescription drugs or illegal drugs. I met Tasha in Outpatient Therapy after I had quit opioids. She was in Outpatient Therapy for depression and anger management. We started talking and became closer and ended up being pretty good friends. Then she quit outpatient therapy.
We were still friends for a while, still talked a lot, she tried to overdose on her prescription meds, and I called 911 on her. She got mad at me for that but got over it and we were friends again. Then she started using heroin and crack and I just could not be around that. She still wanted to be friends and I told her when she could prove she was clean, then I would reconsider it, but until then I had to cut her out of my life. Therefore, I simply assumed that her death on December 10, 2019 was due to drugs of some type. I had not heard from her, and I know how hard she was into the crack the last time I saw her, so I just put two and two together. That along with the fact the coroner’s findings were taking weeks to be posted, it usually takes that long for toxicology to come back.
Finally, February 10, 2020, I looked up her name on the coroner’s list and there it was…blunt force trauma…she apparently jumped out her third floor apartment window… not one prescription drug in a non-therapeutic amount, not one illegal drug was found in her system. She got clean. She was in that dark of a place that she felt that jumping out a window to what may or may have not been instantaneous death was the way out. I cannot feel guilt as it is not healthy, but I can feel sad that someone was in that bad a place they thought that was a better alternative to life.
I was and still am struggling with this, and without the support of Chris and my OFTST fam, I know I would be severely beating myself up and blaming myself hardcore for what she did… Now to happier things.
We recently had our first Lupercalia ritual and I think the maiden voyage went damn well. Although it was a bit chilly, everyone engaged and learned about what Lupercalia was and joined in the ritual down to the Savillum (ancient Roman cheesecake) passed around at the end. While it was in February, I think it marked the start of a busy year for OFTST and many things for us to plan and do over the course of the year.
I am excited to be leading the Northern Ohio Group and have a lot of ideas and plans for this year of what I want to accomplish. As far as doing my educational stuff, I want to keep doing presentations for OFTST as well as starting up a YouTube channel for anyone to reference who wants to know more about the Tenets, rituals, or just TST and Satanism in general. Even with all the tragedy and personal struggles, I still feel empowered. I feel empowered as a woman, shit I just feel empowered period.
Now you can all see why I say that Satanism saved my sanity as it truly has, and I plan on keeping it that way!
Ave Satanas! Hail Yourselves! Hail Satan!